I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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