My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
your room smells of hookers.
And success
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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