Dude my mom stole all your condoms
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
