dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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