I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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