my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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