Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
