Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
