if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize