I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
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