I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
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