The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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