May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
My butt remains clenched, sir.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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