My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
