i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
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