im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
