Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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