im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
