i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
