there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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