How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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