You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
