I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
