i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize