I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
