things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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