The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
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