Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
