i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
