new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
