im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Randomize