i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
