This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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