she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
