now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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