I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
