I smell stomach acid.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
