If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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