Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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