Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
