dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
