census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
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