i would punch a child for taco bell
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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