be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
