his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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