I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
