You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
