can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I touched a dick in church today
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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