I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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