He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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