You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
