this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
