you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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