have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
