Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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