I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
