My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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