"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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