and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize