I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
