So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
