guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
