Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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