Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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