Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Randomize
