we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Randomize
